shooting from the hip

Manong sells the best masareal in Cebu near the redemptorist church on Sundays and Wednesdays. He's always well-dressed, friendly and he gives me a P5 suki discount.







Masareal is a family favorite. Made of peanuts, flour and sugar, its like peanut butter polvoron but better. Bad for the body, good for the soul.




My cousin Carlos loves his masareal...



But this one's for me

Spent a lazy Sunday afternoon in my neighborhood. Had my usual hot milk tea at Brown Cup, the neighborhood coffee shop. The tables were occupied by students cramming for finals, business people having meetings (on a Sunday?!) and me, with my postcards and notebooks. Outside the street was empty and the sun was so bright I could almost feel the heat. Looks like summer's here. Can't wait to give her a welcome back party =)

For Every Woman
Nancy Smith

For every woman who is tired of acting weak
when she knows she is strong,
There is a man who is tired of appearing strong
when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb,
There is a man who is burdened with the constant
expectation of knowing everything.

For every woman who is tired of being called
emotional female, There is a man who is denied
the full right to weep and be gentle.

For every woman who feels tied down by her children,
There is a man who is denied the full pleasure
of shared parenthood.

For every woman who is denied meaningful
employment and equal pay,
There is a man who must bear full financial
responsibility for another human being.

For every woman who was not taught the
intricacies of an automobile,
There is a man who was not taught
the satisfaction of cooking.

For every woman who takes a step towards
her own liberation, There is a man who
finds that the way to freedom has
been made a little easier.

Got sucked into buying Cosmo's February issue while lining up at the grocery check out counter and loved one piece of advice: buy yourself an I Love You gift. Brilliant!! As if I need any more excuses to shop.
Unfortunately we NGO workers can't afford to love ourselves too much but perhaps one gift a month is a reasonable display of self affection, so i'm making up a list as I often do when confronted with too many choices and not enough funds:

a digital camera
Beatles pillows (i love them, yeah, yeah, yeah)
tank tops in pink, white and yellow from Guava
Converse Chuck Taylor hi-tops like i had all throughout high school and college but this time, in pink
pretty jewelry from Vintage Bureau by Mark Masa
a girlie-girl dress to go with the pretty jewelry and the pink hi-tops
Aimee Mann
my own copy of Nick Hornby's 31 Songs or Lit Riffs
Gilmore Girls DVDs
new bikinis
a casette walkman (can't get rid of my tapes)
The Delays

“Your vocation, your calling is the intersection of your heart’s deepest happiness and the world’s greatest need.”
- Father Jett Villarin, SJ

I came across this line in a publication lent to me by my dearest friend Myrfi (SIP ’99, AHRC Internship Director). The first time I read it I marveled at how it captured exactly how I felt about what I was doing, and how blessed I was to have found what I believed then to be my vocation, my calling, when I knew so many people who considered themselves confused, lost in the maze of figuring out what it was they wanted to do with their lives. “My name is Kat and I’m an alternative lawyer,” was how I introduced myself to the world. I owe the Ateneo Human Rights Center’s Summer Internship Program for leading me towards that intersection.

The Summer Internship Program in 1998 sent me to Quezon where I lived with a family of Dumagats and learned to drink lambanog and cross rivers. I was assigned to the LRC-KsK in Quezon City where I researched cases, attended hearings in Mauban, Quezon, met with the Mayor in Sagada, visited a mine in Benguet and walked five hours in darkness to attend Cordillera Day in Abra, among other things. After that summer, I knew what kind of lawyer I wanted to be.

After the Bar Exams in 2001, I worked for an NGO in Quezon City for a little over three years, the first year of which I was a graduate intern of AHRC. I think I learned more from those three years than from all of the years I spent in high school, college, and law school combined. I spent those years traveling all over the Philippines teaching paralegals, lobbying for sectoral bills in Congress, giving community legal education seminars, and handling cases (sometimes even appearing in courts as far as Catanauan, Quezon – 8 hours from Manila – for fifteen minute hearings!). It was exhausting and sometimes terrifying, but I loved what I was doing. Suddenly things changed, or maybe I changed, but you cannot begin to imagine how my heart broke when I realized I was no longer happy with my job. Perhaps it was burnout or homesickness or a combination of those factors or more, I still don’t know for sure. All I knew was that I wanted to stop what I was doing. I was scared spitless to now be among those who considered themselves confused, lost in the maze of figuring out what they wanted to do with their lives.

Early this year, I resigned and went back home to Cebu, no longer sure where I can find “the intersection of my heart’s deepest happiness and the world’s greatest need.” But one of the lasting lessons I learned from my summer internship seven years ago is that being an alternative lawyer is not limited to working for NGOs or being part of the Alternative Law Groups. More than that, it means having a heart for the marginalized sectors and being true to your self. I realized that as we grow as human beings, the intersection of our heart’s deepest happiness and the world’s greatest need may bring us somewhere else, but that’s alright, it will always find us again.

My name is Kat and I’m an alternative lawyer.

I miss Katipunan. It was my home for over three years and the first place i lived in outside of Cebu. The circumstances that lead me there is a story in itself but right now i just want to reminisce about that lovely little corner of the universe and everything about it that i miss, in no particular order:

the prettiest McDonald's in the world - i do not know of any other Mickey D's where you can enjoy your cheeseburger and fries under pretty coffee-shop lamps. what ambience!

the cute waiter at Tajma - the food and Moroccan mint tea at Tajma is really good, but i used to go there to enjoy the view - of the really cute waiter

sunday lunches and DVD nights at 100 E Abada - my friend maita's house is the unofficial orphanage in the katipunan area for parentless people like me and my roommate murps. whenever her mom, tita cres, comes to visit, we always end up laughing our heads off at their house while discussing everything from childbirth to politics

maita, myrfi and keith - three-fourths of our coven are in Manila now and i miss them so much my heart aches but its good to know that whenever we see each other i am swept back into their welcoming arms and time nor distance is of no consequence

emily, my suking pedicurista at profiles - how my toes miss her so..

the mezzanine at national bookstore - when the world becomes too much for me to bear, i turn off my cell phone and hide at the mezzanine. the wooden floors and mismatched chairs among shelves of books allow me to forget the rest of the world for awhile. i've spent entire afternoons just sitting there and somehow i emerge a little bit stronger and ready to slay dragons again.

sidewalk japanese sweet corn

booksale katipunan - treasure island for book fiends!! i got a hardbound d.h. lawrence for less than P300 here, bridget jones at P110, ya-ya sisterhood for P55, good omens for free (someone bought it for me), etc, etc.. and lynn the nice clerk lets you "hide" the books in her shelf until you come back to pay for it.

bel field - short for ateneo's bellarmine field, which they transform into an enchanted forest of lights at christmastime so fairy-like we nicknamed it "lothlorien"

simbang gabi at gesu - real simbang gabi because they are held at 8pm and you come out of this architectural marvel of a church to the smell of churros and spanish hot chocolate from the dulcinea stall (yes, dulcinea. only in Ateneo, ladies and gentlemen)

sinta - sinta is a filipino adaptation of the fantasticks which the dulaang sibol of the ateneo high school used to stage at least twice a year (valentine's and linggo ng wika). i watched it every single time that it was staged while i was there. music, comedy, romance, pinoy humor.. what's not to love?

#15 park 9 and the park 9 divas - i lived here for the first 6 months of my life in manila and met the most intelligent, kind-hearted and fun group of girls to set foot in katipunan, ever! though we have scattered in different directions we will always be park 9 girls and ate baby's disciples.

My grandfather died clutching his chest. He was having coffee on the stairs, they said. He died of a broken heart, they said, and I imagine his heart in shards, like glass. I don't remember the other details, like what time it was, or whether it was night or day. Perhaps they forgot to tell me. I remember the ghost stories, how the neighbors heard the doors slam hours after they had all left to bring his body back home. He was angry, they said,that they left him all alone. He probably didn't know yet, they said. Probably didn't know that he died.

This was about 29 years ago but I still talk to him on nights when I couldn't sleep. I would imagine entire conversations with him. They said he was a big flirt and could talk about anything. I've heard a lot of stories about how he was so in love with my grandmother he went after her even after she cancelled their wedding (My lola was the original runaway bride). His family was against her, they said. Maybe more so after they had to eat all of the wedding cake and inform all the guests that the wedding wasn't happening because the bride walked out. My lola said it was because my lolo saw her in her wedding dress. They eventually got married a year later but their love story deserves a separate journal entry.

I have a picture of him in my head. He was in chinos and a white t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up like Marlon Brando's in "A Streetcar Named Desire". He was walking towards the camera but pretending to ignore it. My lolo was so guapo. He had no idea then that he'd end up marrying my grandmother, have four children or that he'd die clutching his chest, his heart in shards, like broken glass, while having coffee on the stairs.

what i know

i used to know
what time you woke up
what you had for lunch
when your hair got cut

i used to know
how you did at work
what newspaper you read
which jokes made you laugh

now i don't know
how you're doing
where you are
who you're missing...

except that i am not one of them.

high&dry

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Some time last week I woke up feeling "what the hell am i doing here?".. Its not a new feeling, I go on a downward spiral on a regular basis, but this was the first time I felt that way in a looong time so it freaked me out. Anyway I went to work and got greeted by a phone call from a client making all sorts of unreasonable demands ("and good morning to you too") so I buckled up for what I thought was going to be a bad day.. but surprise, surprise (and what a surprise), that day may go down in history as one of the best days of the year all because of this letter:


" Dear Attorney Alvarez:

The International Academy for Leadership Director Jorg Dehnert has given us such positive feedback on your constructive participation in the "Human and Civil Rights" seminar in 2003 that it is our pleasure to invite you to a follow-up workshop.... It is designed for delegates of your caliber as the Academy only invited the best participants from previous human rights seminars to ensure the sophistication of the dialogues.

We would appreciate your participation in "Human and Civil Rights II." It will be held in Gummersbach, Germany from 14 May - 26 May 2006. Your presence at the conference will be an asset to the delegation and further strengthen the exchange of ideas... "

Hot Damn! I called them up to make sure that it wasn't some prank (hey, that could happen) and confirmed that yessss i'm going back to Germany. There's a registration fee of 50euro but a few days ago my friend Myrfi texted that she'll take care of it in exchange for some of the stuff that I left in Manila so if everything goes as planned, I will be in Europe this summer (for free!!!) thank you Lord!

So if you're having a bad day, hang in there, there just might be a gift somewhere waiting for you too.